Twisdom 2009

Some unique ideas that occurred to me in 2009.

  • The phrase “cautiously optimistic” makes me pessimistic.
  • How can the etymology for the word “thesaurus” not involve the ancient greek word for “lizard”? How disappointing. Φαιλ!
  • I might not be able to make a free Cuba, but I can make a Cuba Libre!
  • Why aren’t more bank robberies or other CCTV-evasion crimes committed by criminals wearing burqas pretending to be Muslim women?
  • I want to buy two Google Android phones, lose them both, and the look for them, just so I can say, “That’s not the ‘droid I’m looking for!”
  • Sarkire: A mixture of snarky sarcasm and ire. (also my twitter name backwards)
  • I’m going on record, today, Oct 1 2009, to say that Google Wave seems pointless. Someone remind me of this in 2011 when I can’t live w/o it.
  • Someone should start a fake news site that satirizes The Onion. Maybe it could be called The Leek.
  • Why are these so-called “Baha Men” so concerned with the identity of the alleged canine emancipator?
  • “Preexisting Condition” would make a great action movie title. Maybe about a dude that goes around assassinating Insurance Company CEOs.
  • How many products are there like fruit juice where we accept the “contains at least 10% of [what you think you’re buying]” fine print?
  • New fav awkwardness activity: at grocery checkout, pointing to beer I’ve selected and asking daughter, “This is the brand you like, right?”
  • There’s something nice about a thermometer telling you that you have a fever. It’s like it validates your feeling like shit.
  • bandwidthdrawal: n. The excruciating pain suffered by a habitual broadband user when forced to access the Internet at dialup speeds.
  • My daughter just pooped a volume equivalent to her arm. Look at your arm and think about that for a second.
  • I find that Wii Tennis brings out my inner McEnroe. Learned that a thrown “racket” pivots around wrist strap and hits you in the elbow. Ouch.
  • Can someone explain what the color of my twitter avatar has to do w/ Iran? I’ve never understood passive “feel like you’re helping” protests.
  • Sitting at the tax office humming a Beatles song.
  • In Madrid park drinking pints of cold beer in the 28C heat. Saxophonist playing Godfather theme. Happiness.
  • Last name of new #scotus judge, #sotomayor, translates to “Big Thicket”. You’re welcome.
  • The Spanish Ministry of Interior’s website to request an appointment to get an ID card uses a self-signed SSL certificate. Security FAIL.
  • There’s nothing like getting excited about changing your ringtone to make it so that NO ONE CALLS YOU for three days. Argh.
  • Happiness is lying on the sofa after a good meal with your infant daughter awake and sighing on your chest.
  • Took parents to airport this morning. Nora was on annoying excellent behavior for their visit. Her dishonesty will be punished accordingly.
  • My child is now without sin. Now she just needs to learn how to cast the first stone.
  • Have you ever wondered why there aren’t pro-tandem-bike races? It seems like the strategy (and speeds!) involved might be interesting.
  • Is it rude to call your flatulent infant daughter a Gassy Lassie?
  • Downloading 8 DVD set of Mr. Wizard from 1972-1975. I wonder if it will hold my child’s interest in 2016.
  • I hope that when we’re all dead from #swineflu, the last person alive presses play on Looney Tunes’ “Th-the-th-th-that’s all folks!” clip.
  • After one too many “a girl I knew in high school friended me” comments, my wife has officially married me on Facebook. Aww! Throw the rice!!
  • The word in Spanish for “safety pin” is “imperdible” (literally: “unloseable”). Ironic how I can never find one when I need one.
  • As a metaphor for long fingernails, invoking Freddy Krueger already makes one seem like an old fogey. I suppose Wolverine is the new Freddy.
  • Screaming baby in your arms = best excuse ever to shut the door in a door-to-door salesman’s face.
  • Me: “Your mommy put you in your rocking chair without removing your bib? How uncivilized!” [removes bib] Nora: “BAAARFF!” Me: “Classic.”
  • The number of items in my house that have NOT been peed upon is dwindling at a startling rate.
  • Today I fed my daughter using a bib that I used as a child. Crazy, that.
  • There’s nothing like a heartfelt apology that the recipient didn’t know was needed.
  • These Republican nutjobs do understand that the “tea party” was about getting taxed and not being allowed to vote, right? Remember November?
  • We’ve had late night pajama changes before, but last night Daddy had to change his pajamas too. NOT cool.
  • US State Dept. rules prohibit my infant daughter from wearing sunglasses for her passport photo.
  • Heard in Spain: “Her poop is the color of saffron!”
  • My daughter is a siren. Both the ancient enchanting kind and the loud noisy modern kind. The word fits her perfectly.
  • It’s been years since I’ve enjoyed a soundtrack as much as the one for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Seriously beautiful Spanish guitar.
  • How did the poop get up between your shoulder blades?!?? This stuff is neither wave nor particle.
  • Nora got kicked out of a bar today for being underage. 18 years old? She’s not even 18 DAYS old yet! Slightly ridiculous? Well, yeah…
  • Big news! Umbilical cord fell off after almost exactly 240 hours. Gene transport module separation complete.
  • Facebook friended by my senior prom date. The Internet has now completed its ultimate purpose and will be shut down at midnight tonight.
  • Wow! I thought projectile pooping was a myth! In other news, we’re gonna need a new duvet cover.
  • Pediatrician says we’re underfeeding The Little One. Might be related to crying? Let the rich tapestry of parental guilt begin!!
  • We’ve got so much extra milk we might have to start making some cheese.
  • Mother-in-law singing “There’s thunder down under!” (which doesn’t rhyme nearly as nicely in Spanish) to her flatulent granddaughter.
  • One of the clocks in our house survived the entire non-DST period with the DST time. Apathy FTW!
  • I suppose I should’ve washed my hands between changing diaper and picking fruit at supermarket. Oops. Sorry, World.
  • My child has cried herself hoarse. I’m sure this makes me eligible for some kind of parenting award.
  • Haven’t eaten anything yet today. No time. Too busy parenting.
  • Who knew a sneeze could be so completely adorable?
  • OMG there’s nothing like holding your own 3-hour-old child in your arms. Freakin magical!
  • And she’s out!! Nora Rasmussen Matamoros has escaped from the womb. She’s perfect of course..except for my chin. Poor thing!
  • Man, this whole reproduction thing is unfair and unbalanced.
  • How is it that Morgan Freeman hasn’t aged in the past 15 years (since Shawshank Redemption)?
  • What did carpenters do before the invention of the tape measure? And why haven’t they all been replaced with lasers yet?
  • If Hell existed, which it doesn’t, I’m pretty sure Back Pain would feature prominently in the curriculum.
  • Am I the only one that hears Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” when watching the shuttle dock with the international space station?
  • Neighbors making banging noises at 10pm. All home improvement activities that could explain the noise are also euphemisms for sex.
  • My unborn child punched me in the kidneys last night. I’m convinced she’s a ninja.
  • As an anglophone web developer in Iberia, sometimes my <span> tags come out as <spain> tags.
  • Just discovered that Spanish JPGs are typically 254 dpi (not 300 dpi like in US). Makes sense. 10 pixels per millimeter. Metric system FTW!
  • Am I the only one annoyed by television people that use the singular* word “troop” to mean one soldier? *actually a collective noun. Grrr!!
  • Disappointed that I’m not the first one to think of the domain name tequilamockingbird.com.
  • Mental preparation has begun for a multi-hour submersion in a sea of Swedish furniture tomorrow. Must resist IKEA nesting instinct!
  • It’s the ten year anniversary of the Office Space release. This calls for a piece of flair! Right after I finish these TPS reports, that is.
  • Being sick isn’t as fun when you’re a grownup and there’s no school to be missed.
  • Yay! I successfully managed to appear terminally ill in my passport photograph. FTW!
  • Wife just told me I look like Gollum. That’s an insult, right? We should be offended?
  • Vomiting and diarrhea every hour on the hour from 1am to 7am this morning. Like Old Faithful if OF had two holes. Good start to a Tuesday.
  • Superbowl party going well. Spilled some single malt on my iPhone, but no damage seems to have been sustained.
  • 6:30 am. Eyelids drooping like the hands of the clock.
  • Just anglified “incommunicado” to “incommunicated”. Funny how learning a foreign language does that. I’m not a past participle “aficionated”
  • Some mornings, I wake up, look out the window, and the day is just so beautiful that I have to run set up the tripod and take pictures.
  • Isn’t it odd how hold times are so much longer for complaints than with contracting new services?
  • Just had an interactive Morse-like tap session with in utero offspring. Fun!
  • Unboxed stroller, learned all configuration options and reboxed it. Reminded of bootcamp weapons cleaning scenes from Full Metal Jacket.
 

Comments are closed.