Washington, D.C. – In news that has shocked the nation, the chairman of the Federal Elections Commission of the United States, David Mason, has suspended voting across the country during this presidential election. When asked what prompted this unprecedented move, Mason explained, "Competitions like this should not be about who wins and loses. It's about participating and having a good time. In the 2008 election, there will be no losers, because I think we are all winners." Ellen L. Weintraub, the vice chairman of the FEC, was as stunned as the rest of the country. "[Mason] had been talking a lot about the lessons he learned in kindergarten recently, but I never expected anything like this," reported Weintraub. Hours later, the FEC released an official statement explaining that the decision was based on a psychological study that showed that a loss in something as serious as a presidential election would very likely scar the loser for life and result in self-esteem issues. The FEC also called for the Congress to change the Constitution to allow for two presidents, each taking turns governing the nation. "It's more fair this way," Mason stated, clearly pleased with himself.
As of press time, several protesters have been seen outside the Capitol Building calling McCain a "poopyhead". Police have escorted them to the corner where they are being made to sit and think about how their actions might make McCain feel and if they would want someone to treat them that way. One McCain supporter has also been placed in timeout after pushing Senator Obama to the ground during recess.
Also in the official FEC statement is the provision to award "Certificates of Participation" to Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, John Edwards, Mike Huckabee, Fred Thompson, and Rudy Giuliani, because "they also did an excellent job." Since the release of the statement, David Mason has not been available for comment as it is his naptime.