
Most weekday mornings during the past few years, between making coffee and
waiting for code to compile, I watch the previous night's
[_The Late Show with Stephen Colbert_](https://www.youtube.com/@ColbertLateShow)
on YouTube. In honor his final show tonight, I thought it might be fun to take
_The Colbert Questionert_, a series of questions that he likes to ask his
celebrity guests. Recently he gave it to
[Barack Obama](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeQlFEkdQFo), and on his
penultimate show, Stephen took the Questionert himself.
[Part 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evLn3dyxmQI),
[Part 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1nKwSPyJig),
[Part 3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDYJeBe9mLw),
[Part 4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpvYMAY1RN0). So...here we go!

---

## Best Sandwich?

My answer here is pure nostalgia. When I was a teen, I used to go to a sandwich
shop downtown in my home town, called "The Sub Club". I could walk there from my
mother's computer store, where I spent a _lot_ of time. My favorite order was a
"vegetable" (?) sandwich with a side of french onion soup. This sandwich had one
slice of cheese – I always ordered provolone – on a hoagie bun, and a whole
freakin' salad inside. The bizarre ingredient that I've never seen elsewhere
were bean sprouts. It was amazing, and will never be replicated, as the shop has
since shut down.

## What was your first concert?

[R.E.M.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R.E.M.) at the
[Dean Dome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dean_Smith_Center). I was high school
at the North Carolina School of Science and Math, in Durham, North Carolina. It
must have been my junior year, because my senior year I went to many, including
a very memorable mosh pit with
[Alanis Morissette](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alanis_Morissette) during her
first ever
[Jagged Little Pill](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jagged_Little_Pill) tour, and
eventually
[Dave Matthews Band](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave_Matthews_Band). Some of
my friends went to a
[Hootie and the Blowfish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hootie_%26_the_Blowfish)
concert, of which I was extremely jealous.

## What is the scariest animal?

Some of the Questionert takers try to be clever and say, "Man", but that's too
easy.

Part of what makes pandemics so scary are the fact that you can't _see_ the
virus. I'm scared of things I can't see, so I'm gonna go with getting stung by a
jellyfish whilst swimming in the ocean...especially if it's far from shore.

## Apples or Oranges?

I love a good freshly squeezed orange juice and don't have time for apple juice.
However, nothing beats a crisp sweet apple.

And as Stephen always quips after the Questionertee answers "apples":

> You can't put peanut butter on an orange!

## Have you ever asked anyone else for their autograph?

Obviously this question makes more sense directed at celebrities, but I think my
only "standing in line to get an autograph" story is for
[Muggsy Bogues](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muggsy_Bogues), the famously
shortest player to ever play in the NBA. At the time, he played for my local
[Charlotte Hornets](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Hornets), and I went
to a dozen or so games to see him play. It's not like I was a massive fan or
anything, but he must have been visiting my town for something and I got his
autograph.

## What do you think happens when we die?

This might seem like the hardest question, but to me it's the easiest: Nothing.

There is no afterlife. We just invented it because it's hard to reason about
"Where is [dead person]?" I've always appreciated the quote often attributed to
Mark Twain:

> I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before
> I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

That's perfection. The
[best answer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8T3vwIXkTEc) ever on Colbert's
show was a question to Keanu Reeves that actually started the entire Questionert
series:

> I know that the ones who love us will miss us.

Even more perfect than Twain.

## What is your favorite action movie?

People like to say _Die Hard_ to this one, but I've gotta go with Sean Connery.
I'm not sure why, but
[_Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indiana_Jones_and_the_Last_Crusade)
hit me at the perfect age. The Nazi punching and the boobytrapped cave and the
whole Grail myth and the "cup of a carpenter" line. Just excellent.

## Window or Aisle?

This changed for me in adulthood. As a kid, I used to love to look out the
window, but I've seen all the clouds and tiny landscapes I need to by now, and
as a 6' (183cm) fellow, I've grown to appreciate the aisle, although it does
come with the risk of a food trolley banging your knee if you take too much
advantage of the aisle.

Stephen always jokes about the window involving bothering neighbors when you
need to go to the bathroom, but he never mentions one of my favorite lines from
_Fight Club_ where Brad Pitt muses about "Do I give you the ass or the crotch?"

## Favorite Smell?

Brewing coffee is lovely, but I've gotta go with _frying garlic_.

Which is a thing I do very often in my Mediterranean lifestyle.

## Least Favorite Smell?

I've thankfully yet to experience a decomposing corpse, and my son is just on
the cusp of becoming a stinky teenager (which is often an answer people give),
but my answer here is super basic. I'm gonna go with _poop_, even my own.

## Earliest Memory?

This is the hardest one of all for me because ever since reading
[_The Invisible Gorilla_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Invisible_Gorilla),
and similar books about how memory works, I have lost all faith in memory. If I
am ever called to be on a jury, I will probably get kicked off because I differ
from most people in that I give _zero_ credence to "eyewitness testimony".

Gun to my head, it's probably playing monochrome computer games with my best
childhood friend, Jacob. Especially hitting the ⬅️➡️ arrow keys repeatedly to
"run" in [Decathlon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olympic_Decathlon). I was
probably five?

## Cats or Dogs?

I currently have a cat, and that decision was mostly because my apartment
lifestyle means that a dog is a _lot_ more work, because you've gotta walk them,
rain or shine, and also you can't leave them alone in the apartment for days at
a time to go on trips.

But dogs give so much more love back to you, so the answer is an unequivocal:
_dogs_!

## You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

He always specifies that it's not always playing, but any time you go to listen
to music, that's the song that plays.

This is a tough one. I don't think I want lyrics. The first one that comes to
mind is [Rhapsody in Blue](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhapsody_in_Blue).

## What number am I thinking of?

This is always played as a joke when Stephen says, "Nope". He claims in his
self-Questionert that Meryl Streep and Ethan Hawke both correctly guessed 3.

But to be scientific about it, I'm gonna go with _37_, because that's the
[most common number](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6iQrh2TK98) people think
of when you ask them for a "random" number.

## How would you describe the rest of your life in five words?

Proud parent. Happy traveling husband.

---

Thank you, Stephen Colbert. 🫶


Television

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